


Hay in Bits

by idolatres



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alcohol, Other, blackwall subjected to seras teasing, good fun all around, platonic blackwall/sera, sera's grand tales of people diddling eachother, theyre bros ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-16 01:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8080906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idolatres/pseuds/idolatres
Summary: A look into the regular bar dates of Blackwall and Sera. Inappropriate conversations abound, and Blackwall being so embarrassed he's ready to explode.





	

**Author's Note:**

> dialogue heavy, bad dialogue at that, help. 
> 
> a little drabble of sorts, may continue. theres just so many possibilities of blackwall and sera broing around.

The bar's at that comfortable capacity where there's not so many people gabbing all at once that it grates your ears, just a few companies, enjoying the drinks and dimly light atmosphere. A great place to relax after a long day of working within the Inquisition. Maker knows, no one needs downtime like Blackwall does. His company of choice may raise eyebrows to the other patrons, but there's no one else he'd rather have down time with.  
  
Blackwall sits at the rickety table, beer in one hand, a bare, dirt caked hand in the other. The hand twitches, constantly moving in his, fingers running over his glove, tapping eagerly as its owner tells a tale of regal. Regal of sorts- a tale of fancy fucking, if you will.  
  
"So then- right get this, Miss. Prissy, underwear jammed up her arse so far you might think she was gettin' a prostate exam, has the gall to _YELL_ , yell at me mind you, to leave the room."  
  
Blackwall hums, letting Sera know he's following. Sera's mouth twitches at the corners and tug into a sneer.  
  
"Like I'm the one currently getting their arse whipped into shape, receiving the wedgie of a life time!" She lets out a loud snort, followed by her signature chuckle. Blackwall follows suit, letting out a quiet laugh. They both take a chug from their respective cups.  
  
"I mean honestly! Everyone has things they're into, yeah? Not gonna judge there-, but if you're doin' this shite where I can sneak up and see, what'dya expect outta me honestly?!" Her laughter increases in volume, her hand shaking his.  
  
"Did you ever consider they were doing such things in a public place, for the chance of getting caught?" Blackwall muses to her. Her entire face scrunches up in thought, eyes flickering back and forth to show her thinking process. To the left- ' _Did they really?_ ', To the right- ' _No, no she wouldn't do that._ ', Back to the left- ' _Actually that would explain a lot_.', finally back at the center to meet his eyes.  
  
"Oh. My! BLACKWALL!" She slaps her free hand on the table, causing everything to shake, Blackwall holds his beer glass steady, Sera's tumbles perilously to the edge- but doesn't tip.  
  
"No wonder they didn't stop!! Oh my- this is just-", She's giggling madly now, trying to compose herself. She finally calms down long enough to lower her voice, "You think I should make them pay me? I mean, I did after all help them, probably achieve the best orgasm of their lifetimes."  
  
Blackwall's stoic features break finally into a lasting smile. "Most definitely, after what you had to witness, I'd make them pay you every time they partook in such activities."  
  
They both laugh together, Sera finally saving her cup from the edge of the table, and clink their glasses together, both taking larger than needed sips. "Imagine that, every time Miss. Prissy, and her little friend go to touch each others bits, I barge into the room, demanding they pay up. I'd be rich!"  
  
"Rich enough to take put them into bankruptcy, that's for sure."  
  
"True Jenny style, stickin' it to the big folks. In whatever ways I can!"  
  
"Although, be careful how you stick it to her, she might enjoy it." Sera immediately devolves into a cackling shaking mess. Blackwall's smile turns into a grin, obviously feeling accomplished for pleasing his friend.  
  
Their hands finally separate from each other as the night continues, them exchanging tales, their cups of beers going through several refills, both wasted at this point, their eyes wandering over the females who enter the bar as the night progresses. Sera's eyes are stuck on a human woman at the moment, with rather large....assets, as Blackwall would put it.  
  
"What'dya think of that one?" She slurs, leaning in close to his face, as she does her best to whisper, she's rather shit at it, but Blackwall follows.  
  
"Of course, you'd be looking at her." He slurs back in a condescending manner. Sera slaps his back in response, causing him to jolt forward, spilling some of his beer.  
  
"And like you haven't been admirin' her with me? I know your tastes! You, and Inquisitor always getting chummy behind the stables. That's like the Inquisitor's twin! With bigger tits, and ass. Nice ass. Somethin' to grab onto, yeah?"  
  
Blackwalls face heats up at the mention of his trysts with the Inquisitor. Of course, Sera knows. Nothing escapes her sights, nothing escapes being blabbed about from her tongue, either.  
  
"Sera-", he groans running his free hand in an exasperated manner over his face, "Not that _again_ , Honestly, I was 'admiring' her form, but, can you not bring up the Inquisitor in such a fashion."  
  
Sera lets out a flurry of quiet cackles, and noises. "Imagine if the lady had tits like that, yeah? That your kind of thing, _Old man_?"  
  
He's about to retort, doing his best to shut down this topic, but Sera beats him to his response, as always, no one can outmatch Sera when it comes to a test of speaking the fastest. "Hey how scratchy is hay to have sex on, by the way? I've slept on it before, messy shite that is, gets everywhere. She ever get hay up in her bits?"  
  
Blackwall loses his composure completely. This girl, truly has no filter. His brain is racing, trying to think of ways to completely end this conversation. He should expect this by now, honestly. Their nightly drinks together somehow always trail back to him, and The Lady.  
  
Sera yells, suddenly, scaring the wits out of him, snapping him out of his thoughts, shes clapping her hands together fast, suddenly standing up from her chair. Pointing an accusatory finger at him. "Oh my, Maker, Blackwall, you- you-, you-", She can't even finish her sentence she's laughing so hard. Blackwall fears for his sanity, "You! and Inquisitor! Doin' it behind the stables. Scaring the shite out of the horses. Lettin' everyone and their mother know what you're gettin to, you-" She lets out an ungraceful snort. "You're just like Miss. Prissy!" and with that, she falls down to the floor, still laughing the entire time. The table shakes from the force of her fall, everyone still in the bar is staring. They expect this behavior out of her, so of course they're sending judgemental glares. Blackwall glares back, but, his glare doesn't prove to be very intimidating, his mind isn't in the "Dark, Intimidating, I'll cut you where you stand" state, it's more in the "Maker help me, What have I done to deserve this" state.  
  
He gets out of his chair, clumsily mind you, and kneels next to the giggling mess of his close friend, he's not even sure what to say at this point.  
  
"Ahah, hahaha, so're you the one who likes to get breeches crammed so far up their arsecrack it'll leave marks, and stains for days, or is it--"  
  
"Sera." He interrupts, in the best warning tone he can muster at this point.  
  
Sera does stop, but it does nothing to cease her incessant laughter. "Yes, dear?" She quips in a mocking tone.  
  
"I know you're having the time of your life, but please, I think it's time we retire. We're both too drunk to deal with this anymore." He wants to cringe at how much of a father he sounds like.  
  
Sera lets out a childish groan and sigh, grabbing onto his legs for leverage as she hoists herself up into a sitting position, both of them wobbling like they haven't ate in weeks.  
  
"Fine, fine," she mutters, her face is still plastered into a lopsided smile, "first though, you have to pay up, I mean all the times I've noticed you- you-," shes stuttering again because of her impending giggles, "you and your pal," she looks like she's about to burst right now, "Horsin' around," Blackwall groans, facepalming, at her general direction, everything's too hazy for him to actually focus, trying to show his disappointment. It doesn't affect her at all, she's still a mess of snorting and shaking. "I deserve some reward, I mean here I am, unknowingly helpin' everyone get their jollies."  
  
"Sera." Blackwall starts, trying his best to maintain a stern voice, he can't deny the smile cracking at his lips. "Let's get you to bed, alright? We can discuss our payment arrangement in the morning."  
  
"So, you **DON'T** deny it, you, Miss. Prissy. Maybe I should call you Mr. Prissy."  
  
Their hands reach for each other, and they're both fumbling awkwardly as they try to stand, Sera leaning her full weight into his as they both stand up, the world is sideways, and he's trying his best not to topple over.  
  
"Call me that, and I'll start calling you the 'Elbow Deep Jenny'." She shrieks at this, and he wraps one arm underneath her shoulders, trying to hold her steady.  
  
"Oh, that is good. That's fantastic. Imagine me, meetin' a lovely gal, and you- you there, introducin' us, you say this is Elbow Deep Jenny, and I immediately start making fistin' gestures, staring straight at 'er eyes" She's trying to imitate this now, but she's far too drunk for it to look right, it just looks like she's awkwardly trying to hug her other arm. "Imagine how many ladies I'd get with just that."  
  
Blackwall chuckles. "Don't know how many ladies you'd get with an old man hanging around you."  
  
"We'll have to find out! We gotta pick up some women someday, when you and the Inquisitor are done, shoving breeches up each others arses, slapping each others arses, gettin' hay up each others--"  
  
" _Sera._ "  
  
"Right, right."  
  
They begin stumbling their way out of the bar, knocking into several walls and tables. Both smiling. Sera leans her head on his shoulder. "So." She drawls out, as they walk back to her quarters first, Blackwall wanting to make sure she gets there safely.  
  
"So." He parrots.  
  
"Honestly, you don't have to pay up, you're an exception. You're like a jenny, we're friends. Helpin' each other anyway we can, although, I ain't gonna watch you whip your wrinkly old--"  
  
" **Sera**." He interrupts again, like he's chiding a child. She giggles, swinging an arm around his waist.  
  
"You love me, admit it."  
  
"I do."  
  



End file.
